Hi there! I’m your friendly neighborhood Satanist

I don’t sacrifice animals (or people).

I don’t curse people (actually I do, there’s just no supernatural weight behind it, sadly).

I don’t want to take over the world. I don’t eat children (or whatever other nonsense the QAnon fools are claiming about us).

Heck, I don’t even believe in, let alone worship, the Devil.

So what IS a Satanist? 

I discovered modern Satanism, specifically the Satanic Temple, with the release of the Hulu doc Hail, Satan? And it was quite the eye-opener. 

I went looking for their official website, and as I read I had the sudden realization that I had been a Satanist (at least, this incarnation of them) all along!

(I keep qualifying things because there is also the Church of Satan, founded by Anton Lavey in the 70s. We want nothing to do with those guys (which sounds a bit like differentiating between “The Judean People’s Front” vs “The People’s Front of Judea,” but there actually is a distinction).)

If you go to the site (and I promise clicking won’t automatically damn your eternal soul. Or perhaps it will. I understand in some religious mythology one is punished harshly for seeking knowledge) and read the Seven Tenets, you’ll see really the roots of our beliefs are simply justice, equality, and free will for all humans. But if reading isn’t your thing, the Hulu doc is actually quite entertaining. 

The most important thing to know is we don’t believe in Satan. He’s really just a mascot (the official line is “the ultimate rebel against tyranny”) and very useful in upsetting the kinds of groups that think only they should have all the religious freedom.

Because the Satanic Temple might not even exist if not for the theocracy that’s slowly, insidiously (though bolder by the year) trying to mold this country into their image. Legal assaults on reproductive rights and establishing “religious” rights to discriminate against people they think are icky have become so common they’re barely newsworthy anymore.

The Satanic Temple recently won the official classification as a religion for tax exemption purposes after a long battle (everything it does is a long battle). As Lucien Greaves, co-founder, recently put it, “What’s a religion? And why aren’t your deeply-held beliefs considered religious values, and why do some people insist that only if you subscribe to intellectually insulting supernatural beliefs are your values worth protecting?” Too right, my man.

So the Satanic Temple spends a lot of time highlighting how some religions are given preferential treatment by applying for its own representation and being denied (for instance giving a religious invocation before city council meetings or, as seen in the doc, displaying a statue of Baphomet (again, not worshipped. A symbol of “pluralism, diversity, and nonbinary identity”) beside a Ten Comandments monument on the front lawn of a government building). I don’t think the Temple expects to win these cases, but they are the best way of getting a spotlight on the many ways the Constitution is being violated by one religious group, with the smiling approval of government officials.

His infernal majesty. They even omitted the female breasts from the original to avoid any indecency issues and STILL were denied

Why am I bringing all this up? Most of my friends accept me identifying as a Satanist (some a little more warily than others). It’s not like I walk around all day thinking about being one, just like Christians don’t (or maybe they do?) Well, something happened that’s still stuck in my head, and I’ve found the best way to exorcise bad feelings (was going to say “demons,” but that seemed too lazy and obvious) is to get them out here. 

Out of the blue I received a letter from an ex-boyfriend with whom I’m still good friends. The tl;dr version is he’s concerned that I’ve been convinced to turn away from Jesus and therefore he won’t be seeing me in heaven. And even though he took great pains to clarify that this wasn’t an attempt to control or protect me, and to distance himself from actual religious groups too (like those child-molesting Catholics), I was so furious I spent two days completely unable to form a coherent thought, never mind a reply. 

Apparently it’s not just Satanists who get this crap. My good friend who’s an atheist told me every so often her sister looks at her sadly and laments that she won’t be in heaven either. 

This is what I despise the most about religion: the certitude that they’re the only ones who have it right. So much so that they’re going to force everyone else to live by their rules. 

My well-intentioned ex was careful to specify Jesus, not Christianity, which seems like a very split hair. I do believe in Jesus. I believe he was a real guy who had a lot of good ideas and was executed because he became more popular than the prevailing authorities (which I learned from Jesus Christ Superstar, which is where everyone should get their Christian education). A white silken-haired hippy? No. Son of God? Also no. 

Probably closer to this…

…but I’d be lying if I said I wouldn’t hit that (relax, I mean the actor)

Jews think the same thing. Buddhists are also nontheistic. No one is challenging their beliefs. 

Because there’s the outrage. You can show people the options available to them. Whatever makes the most sense to them will land as a belief (or maybe none do and you’re an atheist. Also perfectly valid). You can’t change it to make someone else happy, nor should you be asked to. I’m not married to my ex, and even if I were, the days of wives thinking what their husbands tell them to are (mostly) over.  

If that’s not true for you, maybe check that you aren’t living in a dystopian novel

Back in college I developed an interest in rebelliousness and Egyptology. I decorated the back of a leather jacket with ankhs and the declaration “Monotheism is Dead” (I was such a bad, yet intellectual, girl). My ex, who at the time was less ex-y, wailed “Why are you attacking my beliefs??” So there’s a disturbing trend of somehow making my spiritualism a reflection of his that’s still going on.

Look, believe what you want to believe. But your right to swing your freedom of religion around ends where mine begins (unless we happen to agree, in which case I’ll gladly take your hand in the middle). Ave, Satan!